The Worst Part Is The Feeling...

I'm fat. Disgusting. Horrid. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about all the weight that I still need to lose. And instead of doing everything I can to lose every ounce I can, I shovel more and more food down my throat. Why do I do this? What the fuck does food hold so deep in me that I constantly need to over eat. It's not even like just eating healthy. It's way OVER eating. I don't stop when I'm full, I stop when I feel like I'm going to explode. RIDICULOUS. Fucking ridiculous. How can eating be such an addiction? How come I can't just put down the food and walk away. For Christ sakes, it's JUST FOOD. I'm taking Nyquil and going to bed now. Before I raid the pantry again. Night and think skinny.

FFFFUUUU....

I weighed myself today. I was 163.7. Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I gained 6ish pounds in likes two weeks. How embarrassing, seriously. I have to get back in the game. I can't throw everything I have worked for thus far out the window, all because I like to eat cake. Has anyone heard of the Russian Gymnast Diet? I think I might give it a try tomorrow. As well as start the 30 Day Shred by Jillian Michaels. Well, hopefully I will have better new for you guys tomorrow when I post. But as of now, I've got nothing. So, I'm going to go to bed now, and enjoy a little bit of sleep. Night and think skinny. 

Long Time, No Post...

Well hello there. It's been a long while since I've posted anything. I'm not too sure what the reason is why I haven't posted, but I'm back. And I'm going to try my hardest to post more, and more often. I haven't been doing well on my diet lately (Lately is a fucking lie though, honestly. It's more like for the past 2ish months). But hey! It's a new year so I'm back on the ban-wagon. I just need to lay off all the shit I eat. And I fucking eat food from work like, every single time I work. Which is 5 days a week. That's a lot of crap going into my body. Plus at home I just eat shit, well, because I have been pretty depressed. Life at home isn't going well. I mean other that my son, nothing is going right. My relationship with my husband is shit, my body is shit, and other shit is just SHIT. I need this though. To be back here, to be back on a diet, to be back in control. I still am on Tumblr. But it's nothing like our good ol' Blogspot. So, I'm going to try to post daily/nightly again. With stats, weight tips, thinspo, the usual. Sorry for not being on here anymore though. I need to get back in the game, so I'm returning home. Here we go again gals, let's do it. Think skinny, get skinny.

UPDATE!!!!

This is me. Laps of 1 year. I'm now 159.3 lbs. BOOYA!!!! xD I was around 205 lbs around a year ago. I can't believe how much I have changed. 39 lbs until I reach my goal weight!!! YES!!!

Don't forget to follow me on Tumblr.
DeadWeight00.tumblr.com

Love and skinnies sent your way!!
<3 Kat

Update...

First things first. Wouldn't you love to have a body like that!?!? ^^^ Oh my god, yes please!! 

Now for the update. Guess what? I'm 166lbs!! YES!!! I swear on all that is holy, I have finally broke into the 160's hallelujah!!! Everything else is going okay, husband is still a dick sometimes but hey, what do you expect from a man. My little guy is walking now :) and is totally awesome. Everything is okay right now. I binged today, I won't lie. Buuuut shit happens and you just have to work through it. Tomorrow will be a better day!! Thanks and love to all my followers (old and new). Love you guys!! So, hope everyone is well. Skinnies sent your way!!

<3 Kat

Hellooooo....

Well...

I am now 178.4. WHOOP!!!! Still fat but getting smaller day by day. Love you guys! Follow me on the tumblr :)  Think Skinny!!

Extremely Long, Sorry...

I decided to take a deeper look into myself. And I figured things out that, I felt sharing. I have an eating problem, I binge, binge, binge...restrict, restrict, restrict (almost starve). Then the cycle repeats. This hasn't got me anywhere. Also, I have B.D.D. If you're not sure what B.D.D is, it's Body Dysmorphic Disorder. It's where someone is constantly concerned with their body image. I honestly can say I feel ridiculously ugly, ridiculously fat. This has all became worse over the years. It all started when I was in 5th or 6th grade, when boys or anyone really started making fun of my weight, my hair, my feet, my legs. That's when I really started feeling, ugly. When I looked in the mirror, and when I still look in the mirror today, I see a monster...someone who is hideous. This is a horrible condition to live with. The time when it started to effect me more was when I was 16. I was still being made fun of by kids in high school, but this is when I got my first "serious" boyfriend. I met him on Myspace, thought he was the most amazing man in the world, and thought he really loved me. Little did I know he was an abusive, controlling, and manipulative bastard. He used to threaten to kill me and my family. He used to hold shot guns to my head and dare me to walk out the door. I couldn't have friends. I barely saw my family anymore, I was his to keep away from everyone. He proposed to me (a 16 year old girl) 3 months into our relationship, so he could "keep me forever", is what he said. He used to stalk me. I was never "aloud" to be off the phone with him when we weren't together, or else he would "come where ever you are and fucking blow your brains out in front of everyone" direct quote from him also. I remember being at the hospital in the waiting room for my mothers hysterectomy, trying my hardest to get off the phone with him, he was screaming at me that as soon as he finds me, he was "going to rip your fucking fat head off your body, then kill your sister right infront of you." And there he was, he showed up. Sat down by me and grabbed the back of my neck and whispered, "if you ever do this to me again, I'll take you so far from here no one will ever find your body." I remember one Christmas ( I was with him for 2ish years), the last Christmas my grandfather was alive, he wouldn't "let me" get off the phone. I spent most of the night in the bathroom trying to calm him down. We left to go to my grandmothers house, when I got there, he walked into the garage behind me. He choked me up against the back door, and threatened to kill me right there at my families house. You know what I did? Cried. That's it, forgave him and cried. I know what you're thinking, because I thought it too. Are you fucking kidding? Why didn't I just leave him? Why didn't I call the police, or tell my family? Why would I give him all the control? And I wish I had those answers. I really do. But here is where the sun begins to rise a little. I finally had the guts to leave him. 18 yrs old, I was done with this shit. I started my new job, met the guy of my dreams (my now husband), and I wanted this fucker gone. He stalked my the whole day, got in my car threatened me, and stole my debit card. I got out of my car, so did he, I punched him in the face (that was ridiculously brave), and went into work and called the police. FINALLY, I was done with this asshole. And I swear, he has only tried to contact me twice, and that was right after that happened. And  I haven't heard from him since. But I think how much he controlled me and made me lose control, is why I have such a fucked up mind. I have such a better life now. A son who is beautiful, a husband who loves me (even though he has a porn addiction has fucked my mind up too, he is still a good provider and I feel like we can work it out), and I have never been so close to my family. But, there is still the B.D.D issue. I hate myself, everytime I look in the mirror I cry. I hate what I look like and how I look. I want to fucking die sometimes. Have you ever hated yourself? It's horrible. I sometimes imagine myself being dead, how everyone would react, I sometimes think it would be good. I don't know. But I finally decided, I need to go to therapy. It's time. And I felt like I wanted to let you guys into my head a little. Sorry for the huge rant. Love you all. Think skinny, stay strong.
<3 Kat

Going To The Gym Tonight...

This Female Below, Has My Ideal Body...

I Need To Be Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin, Thin...

No Binging....

So, I'm writing this blog on my iPhone because we won't have Internet until Monday sometime. So I can't upload a photo. I haven't binged in 5 days! That's a huge accomplishment for me. I have been working out too, and been warning my calorie intake. Can't believe I'm actually sticking to my shit this time, I'm kind of proud. Well, I jut wanted to update while I could. I'll have a better post on Monday. Think skinny, I know I am.

SGD...

185.6 doesn't make me feel better for some reason. Have you ever just looked in the mirror and cried? I haven't stopped crying, you guys, I swear. I know I'm the only one to blame, I know it. And I understand it's only up to me to change that, I get it. I am just glad I have everyone's support, really. Oh, and 51 followers, right on! Thanks babes!! I'm starting the Skinny Girl Diet tomorrow. I'm really excited. But I'm taking it one day at a time. I realized today, I always get ahead of myself. Then when results don't come at a drop of a hat, I give up because I'm too fucking lazy to push on. But I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm taking life in general, one day at a time. So, I was wondering if anyone, maybe, wanted to be a texting buddy? Just someone to talk to in hard times, or someone who can talk about food, weight loss, weight gain, life with. Someone who won't judge and is just here for support. If so, let me know? Well, I'm off to watch tons of thinspo to get me in the mood for tomorrow. Wish me lucky, and love you all. Think Skinny!

A'las, I Have Returned,

And ready to fucking lose weight. I'm in beast mode, I'm damn serious. If I have to listen to people call me fat and big anymore, I'll kill myself. And I'm not fucking joking. I have let myself go, been too easy on myself. Let me tell myself, "it's okay to eat." Since when is it okay to eat? WHEN!?!? It isn't not when you're already a big girl. I don't want to be a big girl anymore. I DON'T!! And it's killing me inside. So now, instead of complaining, I'm doing something about it. I'm going to lose this weight. And I'm going to be thin, even if I kill myself trying.

edit: I'm going to put my weight on here every time I post...motivation. I'm weighing myself now and it's................ 190.2, fat ass.

Fat Lard...

The only way to cope is to feed the pain, and by feed the pain I mean gorge yourself until you fall asleep, alone and fat. What a fucked up day, I'm taking some shots and going to bed.

Rah Rah, Resputin!

If you do not have this game for the WII, then you suck. No really though, this game kicks your ass and it's fun in the mean time. I love it, I could play it all day, and it's a great exercise. Okay so update with me, I'm going to weigh myself right now. 183.6. I didn't start the fast because of all the family shit that was going on, and I knew I would break it. So instead of setting myself up for failure I decided to wait until tomorrow. Which is when I will start a juice fast. A guy at work came up to me and was like "hello beautiful". It kind of made my day, and it kind of made me sad. Why can't my husband say things to me like that? *Sigh* I'm not going to dwell on it though, right? My baby boy has 5 teeth now! And another one coming in! He is getting so big, he'll be 11 months in 3 days. Wow! I don't know where time goes! Well, I hope everyone is having a fabulous tuesday. But I'm off to do whatever it is I do. Think skinny babes!

Thinspo To Get Your Week Goin'

Hope Everyone's Week Starts Out Great! :)

Really???

Seriously??? Why don't you just load the gun for me! BLAH!!! >:( 

Oh dear god. I can't win for losing. On a positive note, my laptop still works!! Minor damages, but it still does it's job, right on! But on a negative note, I'm an obese cow, obviously. How is everyone. I'm actually okay today. And this little bit of info above, surprisingly, didn't trigger anything. Yay! Nothing interesting is going on right now, but tomorrow is April 1. And do you know what that means? YES! The start of a new fast! I'm super excited. Anyone want to join? If you do, instant message me (AIM). Sounds very 2002, but I have a little app on my phone for it, and I want to use it. And I ALWAYS have my phone, even in the potty. KatWigs29. I never realized until now, my name sounds like cat wigs. Well it's not lol, it's my name and my nickname for my last name. Just clarifying lol. So, all of my followers rock! Seriously, you all do. And thanks for all your support. I love you guys! My husband is a lying bastard. But you know what, fuck him. I'm only worrying about me and my son from now on. And my will to get thin is greater than his will to make my life a living hell, cuz baby it already is! And thanks unknown for nominating me, I don't know to much about awards on here right now, but thanks thanks thanks! But I'm off to go do what ever it is I do. Think skinny!

Punched My Laptop...

I'm posting from my iPhone currently. I in fact did, punch my laptop last night. Reasoning behind it is that my husband cannot be trusted what so ever and it's starting to really Piss me off, ALOT. It's to the point now that I'm getting fed up with everything and I'm about to walk out with the baby and say, "I told you so." I tried putting a picture on here but it didn't work. I'm sorry. Hopefully I will be back to a regular computer soon. Uhm, anyways, my husband told me last night he started talking to another girl about a week ago. And instead of punching him, I punched my laptop, stupid I know. *sigh* Oh, and more followers :) yaaaay! Alright ladies and gents, I'm off to snooze town, love you all, And as always think skinny.


Ps. You are all so inspiring, if it wasn't for all of yOur blogs and such, I think I would go crazy!

Time To Quit...

I'm listening to my body. It's about time I started doing that. I have quit my fast this morning. I'm ready to eat some again. I weighed myself today, 181.9. I hoped to lose more. But at least I lost some, right? I'm just very tired. It's hard to even get the energy to get out of bed. There isn't much I could or wanted to do, and I have to work and take care the baby. I feel I did well, and for the first time in a long time, I'm proud of myself. I don't like myself, but at least I accomplished something. I'm tired, time for a nap while the little one naps. Think skinny all. 

ps. 38 followers, woo hoo! :) thanks!

Ball Sacks...

So, I'm not losing right now? Awesome. Still chillin' at 183 for the past few days. What. The. Fuck. Oh well. I will just keep truckin' along. Ever feel like you just want to disappear? I thought so. I have just been so fucking down on life lately. What does it take to be happy? Being thin, that's what. Sorry to be so negative this post, but I'm just ready to give up and jump off a bridge. I dreamt today while sleeping on my couch that I   was sitting there staring at a turtle eating (not sure why a turtle). It kept getting bigger and bigger until it burst out of the glass tank I had it in, until it was filling the whole room, squishing me. Is this my body's way of telling me that, that is whats going to happen to me. I'm going to eat til I fill the room? I will be DAMNED before I let that happen. Are you with me!? Fuck fat! Let's get skinny. 

Makin' This Quick...

I restarted my fast. I know what you're thinking but I actually didn't binge or anything, but since the hospital thing it's been holy hell trying to restrict. On an up note,  I started at 188.4 on Tuesday (PAST MY FIRST GOAL!!!) and now day 3 of my fast I'm 183.0. Do not get me wrong, I'm hungry. I hate being hungry, but it's also a lovely feeling. Also, thanks to everyone following me! 34 people! Aaaaawesome! Alright guys and gals, I'll be updating tomorrow, I promise. Think skinny.

Le Sigh...

Sorry I didn't post yesterday, or put up a picture of myself. I was admitted to the hospital Wednesday around 2:30am. Courtesy of my husband and my mother, who think I have a problem. They did a full body inspection and physical. Do you know what it's like to be outed? In front of doctors and nurses who just don't understand? They found the cuts on my thighs...I'm ashamed. Embarrassed. Betrayed. I don't know. Hopefully, I'll post soon. But as of now, I'm on close watch. Sorry to let you all down again. I hadn't cut in like 4 months. But my husband has fucked up again. I don't know my head isn't straight right now. Love you all. Think skinny. 

40 Days...

As everyone knows tomorrow is the start of  Lent. And it's time whether people are Catholic or not to give up something for 40 days. This is my new beginning.  Under a doctors supervision, and with my whole heart and body, I'm indulging in a 40 day fast. I know, before anyone frrrreeeaaaakkks out. This is under a DOCTORS supervision. I'm extremely nervous, but I know this is possible. I need all the support I can get and I hope all of you will be here for me in my hard times and troubled times, much like you already are. I'm also excited, to be doing this for more than just weight loss (even though, yes, that is one of the main reasons).       So, I'm sure some of you have some not so positive things to say, but please, just support is all I need now. Oh also, I'll be taking pictures weekly of my body (not my face) and posting them. Bleh, so nervous for that,but you know what, I need it. Thanks to all of you for following me, I'm really happy and grateful for that. Alright, well I'm off to bed. I want to get plenty of rest to start out tomorrow. Night everyone and think skinny.

Learn To Live Half Alive...

Hey everyone. Wow, I have 25 followers now! Thanks! Not much has changed weight wise. Gotta give time to get back to where I was. I'm thinking of a 3 day fast Monday? Anyone looking to join me? My son has been really sick for the past few days, poor baby. I hope he feels better soon. But that's where all my time and heart is right now. So, I'm trying to post as much as I can, or when I can. Hope everyone is doing well, but I gotta go catch up and read all your blogs I have missed. Okay, love you all. Think skinny.

Oh Hai...

So I, this is the part I hate. I fucked up. I'm sorry, I feel like a disappointment, to me, to you, to everyone. Bleh. I have eaten like shit. Like a cow. I'm ready to start over though. This time. I feel like I always say that. But really, I want to start over. Will you give me a second chance? Please? Forgive me for the fucking cow I am, and help me to be skinny. I need you all more now than ever...

It's Been Awhile...

Chickadee- Hey girl. Yeah I have 3 tattoos actually. My son's name on my ankle, song lyrics in the middle of my shoulders, and music notes on my foot. I love tattoos, just haven't really been able to find anymore that I really want. So hopefully by the time I reach my goal I will have an idea. Do you have any?

Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. I've been really busy tryin to get my new home underway and just busy with work and the baby. I weighed myself after the 3 day fast, WHICH I COMPLETED! Oh my god, I actually am proud of myself for once! I finished a hole 3 day fast. Anyways, sorry for the bragging, I weighed myself aaaand, I'm 191.3. I'm not going to lie, I was very disappointed, but you know what, I'm doing well. So I need to keep my head high. I'm almost to my first goal. Wow! 22 followers now. Yay!! That makes me happy. I have so much to catch up on, on here. I have to read everyone's blogs, new blog. Bleh. I will get my act together though! Think skinny!