Fast Day 2/3

Sorry for not posting yesterday, my internet was out. I was dying. So day one of fast went well, as in I didn't eat anything. I was starving though. And last night I woke up with bad hunger pangs. I was tempted to eat something, but I resisted and drank a glass of water. Today has been okay. I was a bit dizzy around 2 or so. But it passed. I've had some apple juice and mostly water. My grandma came over today to see our new place. And she brought over fresh cookies :(. When they left I put them out in my car so I couldn't see them and since it's night now, I wont go outside to get them. I'm saving them for the husband if you were wondering. I'm nervous about tomorrows fast. I'm getting pretty weak. I just hope I can make it through the day. Dont forget I have to work and take care of the baby. But I'm hoping for the best. Oh and thanks for all the encouragement everyone! I'm so grateful for my followers!

Let's Do This...

Charl.- Thanks for the encouragement. It means alot. :)
Andromeda- I'm going to start a 3 day fast tomorrow, you should join with me if you want :) and thanks to you also for the encouragement.

So, I'm starting a 3 day fast tomorrow. And this time I'm doing 3 days. I can push past two. I'm excited to do it. My depression was okay today. Not too bad. I reall just want to hit my goal of 190 SOON. Which is only a few pounds. I can do that, right? My son got another tooth!! I'm so excited!! He is getting so big, so fast. Soon he'll be graduating lol. I'm really bored. I love looking at thinspo, but today it's not keeping my mind of stuff. Maybe I'll go shopping for something. No, probably not. We really don't have the money for that. I do know what I am going to do right now, I'm going to walk my fat ass outside and puff on some cancer. So, if you'll excuse me girls. It's that time again. Think Skinny!

I'm Having Thinspo For Dinner...

Not Sure...

 That's just it. I'm not sure. Not sure what to do with myself anymore. I'm sick of fighting everything. I'm fighting my husband, my weight, my depression. I'm sick of it. I just want to be. Just be. I wish I didn't have emotions, or body fat for that matter. Seriously, the only think keepng me from not burrying myself 6 feet under is my son. He seriously is THE ONLY reason. And that makes me sad that my life has amounted to this much hate. I hate my husband, myself, my job. Who is this woman I became? I don't know myself, nor do I like myself. And I'm sad. I'm just sad. I fasted 2 days instead of 3. Proud I made it 2days? Me too. But the third day I had to eat, my whole family was over my new home. *Sigh* Oh well. The 2nd day actually wasn't too bad. The first was hell. Hunger pangs suuuuck. Anyways, I got alot to catch up on. I'll blog later.

Ball Sacks...

Not completely sure why I titled this post "Ball Sacks", but I felt it was necessary. I'm starting a 3 day fast tomorrow. I'm doing it for support for one of my fellow bloggers. I'm actually pretty prepared this time. It seems to be a mind thing more than a hunger thing, I think. Anyways, she asked for a buddy, and I'm here for everyone. So, the weekend is coming up, and I'm moving in 2 days! Yessssss! I'm rather excited, if ya can't tell. My mother asked when I was going to have a brother or sister for my son. Could you hear my jaw drop? I was like holy shit mom, Bubba is only 9 months old. But isn't that what grandma's do? Want people to have more babies? I don't know. But further down the road we'll talk about more babies. I'm actually really pumped for this water fast. May sound stupid, but I really don't care. How is everything going with you all? Good I hope. Well, I'm off to bed. Night girls, think skinny! :)

Exercise Tv?

So, we have On Demand channels with our cable. Didn't exspect to find Exercise OD. Awesome! They have a few cardio ones and some ab ones. Now if for some reason I can't find a babysitter for the gym, I can do these. We're 3 days away from moving day. We still have so much packing to do, seriously. At least it will give me something to do, other than eat. I didn't binge today (yet, and hopefully I wont), but I haven't eaten too well today. So, I'm gonna do 2 hours at the gym and work my ass off. Alrighty girls, I should probably go shave my legs for the sauna, haha! Think Skinny my loves!

There's No Way Out Of Here...

I weighed myself today, 193.2. Yes! I know I'm no where near my goal, but losing that pound gave me back a little bit of happiness I needed. I went to the gym today, did 2 miles, walking. I have really short legs lol and I'm very out of shape. But I sweat alot and I worked my butt, or at least one pound of it, off. Aaaand I actually didn't binge today, yay! Go me! I feel positive today. Like what I'm doing does matter, and is helping me get to where I want to be. It's for sure worth it. I hope all is well with you ladies on this Tuesday evening. Oh, and I have 13 followers now. Awesome! Thanks so much for listening. I need people who understand me. Well, night girls, I'm beat. Think Skinny.

"You're Big, I'm Big Too."

That's what I was told today, by my husband. Yup, the man I'm supposed to be the most comfortable around, thinks I'm big. Well I guess that's the motivation I needed, because I'm never going over 400 calories a day, again. I'm doing this, even if it kills me. I'm going to take my pills everyday, nothing but water or black coffee, and I'm hitting the gym every fucking day. I will be skinny. I want to be little, not big. I want to be fragile. And I'm going to do it. I don't fucking care anymore, food is my enemy. Fuck food.

Monday Thinspo...

There Ain't No Rest For The Wicked...

I know I posted this thinspo pic before, but it's my absolute favorite for some reason. I'm writing a quick blog because I don't know if I'll be able to later. I'm going on a "date" with my husband. He's trying to "make up" for what he has put me through. Heh, what ever. I still haven't weighed myself, I refuse to until I start back to my plan. I hope everything else is going well with you girls. I remembered something today, that put me into a depression and I was a total bitch for the rest of the day. I remember when I was 18, I was at a party, and ridiculously inebriated. I was laying with a boy. I remember making a comment, like any girl would, "uh but I'm so fat" or something to that extent. And he looked at me, rubbed my tummy, and said "well, it's just your tummy." :O You want a piece of ass, and you say that? Bleh. I don't have any idea why I thought of it, but now I'm depressed. And of course we're going to eat. *Sigh* Sometimes I wonder if I am destined to be fat. Well, have a good Saturday night girls, and think skinny!

Moving...

I'm moving a week from tomorrow. We got a bigger, nicer place in the town over. I'm so happy, I can't wait to be out of the white trash, hillbilly place. It's so much less stressfull where we're moving, and it's a beautiful neighborhood. There is a pool and a play ground, which is awesome for my son (when he is big enough to use them lol). I'm just glad to be moving out of here. It's also no where near any fast food. Even though I work at Mcdonalds, I hate the food. So I don't have to worry about being close to yummy fast food. I haven't weighed myself in awhile. I'm afraid. I know I have gained because I have binged a few days, and skipped the gym ALOT. I don't get it...One day my self control and my determination are in check, and then the next they blow. Does this happen to everyone? I don't know. But I do know for sure, I will be back to the gym starting monday, and I'm going to start a fast on monday too. Hopefully this time nothing will go wrong. Well hope everyone has a good Friday. Think Skinny girls! :)

Reverse Thinspo...

*Yawn*

Today was a very emotional day for me. So of course I decided to binge. One day I'll keep my huge ass mouth shut. My husband and I fought again today. Oh my god, it drained me. I wish I could just leave. But I know I never will. If he could just keep his eyes away from every other woman, I would be happy. But who blames him? I'm horribly fat. I wouldn't want to look at me either. I used to think about suicide, but now that I have my son, I would never contemplate it again. He is the reason I live through each day. My depression is getting worse. I can feel it in my chest now. And I have anxiety attacks every so often. Today, just sucks. Sorry I'm being so negative. I'm just glad I can get it out of my mind, to kind of ease the pain. Because sometimes the pain is so unbarable, I have to do something about it or I'll burst. I hope all is well with you girls. I hope you're all happy. I'm going to go to sleep. Night girls, think skinny.

I'm Stuck...

I'm stuck in Limbo. I binged today, and of that I'm ashamed. I started out the day perfectly with the juice fast at 5:00am, until about 3:00pm. Then we got hit with a huge ice storm and my son and I were stuck in the house. I can't even get to the gym now. I'm so fat and stupid. I hate food. I think about it and feel sick. But then I see it and I can't help but shove t straight into my mouth. I'm just going to start the fast over again tomorrow, so I'm clean for the gym. And I can start AAAAALLLLL over again. Ana PLEASE help. I need you!

Uh....

I was just reading some of the pro-ana blogs and honestly, I'm blown away. You girls are AMAZING beyond belief. Your blogs help me get through my rough times. It makes me so happy to know that someone else was or is where I am. I love all you girls. Thanks for making my life with ana so much better.

Exhausted...

I'm tired. From everything. From work. From being Mommy. From being Wife. From the gym. From mentally beating myself. From emotionally beating myself. I'm just tired. Even in my dreams I'm not happy. Yesterday was Sunday. When our family gets together, EVERY week. Food GALORE! I was actually proud. I portioned myself. I had to eat because my grandmother makes sure everyone is eating. Then she pulled out desert. My inner fat girl sat on my inner thin girl. And I hate some. *sigh* No self control, I'm tellin' ya. Then when I came home, My husband made cinni rolls. WTF!? He knows I'm on a diet. Inconsiderate basturd. I know I shouldn't, But I ate one. Why the fuck not? I had already ruined my day. Tomorrow I'm gonna try a juice fast. We'll see how it goes. Think Skinny.

May I Take Your Order?

Yup it's true. I work at the Mac Shack. But suprisingly, I hate the food. Maybe it's becuase I have eaten so much of it before. Or just because I see it get made. But it's gross. Remember in waiting when they say, "Don't fuck with the people who cook your food" Yeah, don't. And somehow I manage not to eat it. Even when the hunger pangs kick in. I could grab a fry, But I don't. Anyways, Today at work a lady brought her kids in. And the one kid threw a tantrum, Because he wanted ice cream. At 8am. And she gave in. No wonder they're 120lbs at 6 years old. Not just ice cream mind you. And oreo McFlurry. Extra oreo. *sigh* I don't want to ever do that to my son. Feed him this shit, Clogging his arteries. So he can look like me? Fat as fuck? HELL NO! I want him to be healthy. I wish this was an actual weekend. Instead I work. Tuesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday. I never get one off. But it's sort of motivation. I see the people who drive through. Or come in. They're huge. And I just think to myself, I can't look like that. So it motivates me to lose the weight. To keep my trap shut. But I'm off to bed. I work at 6am everyday. Bleh. Night Girls, Think Skinny, k?

Fatso...

I ate so much in the past two days. I relapsed...I failed. Yesterday I ate half a banana. I was so proud, theeeen My mother took us to Olive Garden. Was I supposed to tell her no? She knows it's my favorite. That would be like a crack addict Passing up free crack. *sigh* I wish, wish, wish I could just keep my mouth shut. The little girl downstairs doesn't stop screaming. I swear they do something to her. We're moving outa her soon. THANK GOD. I can't handle the hillbillies I live by anymore. I ate alot today too. Seemed to slip my mind to write that. I had soup, a little pizza, and some stawberries. Bahaha. Like 24,000 calories. But I'm going to the gym tonight. I'll do another 2 hours. I have to. Well, hope all is well with you girls. Think Skinny.

I'll Be Happy When I Float...

So, I was reading some thinspo quotes last night. I was trying to pass time,Without wobbling over to the kitchen. I read one that I LOVE. "Hunger pangs is a sign of fat leaving your body". So all day when I got a hunger pang, I remembered that quote. And it really made it so much easier. :) I'm going to the gym in a bit. Moms coming over to watch the baby. I do a two hour work out. 45 min. tredmill, 15 min. tack 30 min. machines, and 30 min. sauna. It feels so good when I'm done. I feel lighter! I might post again tonight. Depending on how I feel. There is something I need to get off my chest. But I'm not sure if I'm ready yet. Think Skinny!! :)

:(

I just want to be beautiful. I just want to look perfect. I have been sick all weekend. Which has helped with my eating. Because I really haven't ate. I'm glad for that but I couldn't get to the gym saturday. So when I weighed myself today, I gained a pound, WTF? I'm not going to lie. I'm doing this for me mostly, but I'm also doing this so I can look good for my husband. I'm scared he'll find someone better. And it hurts me to think about it. I just want to be thin.Fat isn't pretty. Who looks at fat and likes it? There is no such thing as a BBW. I hate that term. And I wish people wouldn't call me that anymore. I want to be sexy. And thin is sexy. But hey, it will take some time. I know it wont happen overnight.

194.6

In 4 days I have lost 5.4lbs!! I'm still huge, but I'm at least losing. I sat in the sanna for 20 minutes. I was roasting lol. But it helps get out that water weight. I have to try to figure out how to eat less. I'm def. not eating as much as before. But I want to eat even less. Any tips? I need help with how to lose faster And how to curve cravings. The pills I'm taking work. But I still get hungry (like starving) From time to time. Well I'm off to the shower. Think skinny girls!!

Thinspo...

One day I'll vanish.

One day I'll disappear.

One day I'll float away.

And I'll be perfect.